WASHINGTON—Suggesting an unorthodox alternative to standard oncological treatments, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued recommendations Friday that encourage Americans to eat what he described as good cancer to kill the bad cancer already in their bodies. “They cancel each other out,” Kennedy told reporters as he demonstrated how he uses a […]

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BOISE, ID—In what is being hailed as a victory for advocates of the right to end one’s life in total humiliation, the Idaho Legislature passed a new death with indignity law Thursday that will allow the terminally ill to be crushed by falling vending machines. “Across our state, people dying of incurable diseases will now […]

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For her new unauthorized biography of Gwyneth Paltrow, journalist Amy Odell conducted more than 220 interviews, both on and off the record. Here are the biggest revelations from Gwyneth: The Biography : Became interested in health and nutrition after seeing a carrot for the first time A method actor, Paltrow decapitated herself in 1995 to prepare […]

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The post Trump Readjusts Golf Tee In JD Vance’s Mouth appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX—Arousing suspicion among the digital marketing firm’s employees with its warm and solicitous tone, an encouraging email sent from the account of Pulse of Tomorrow CEO Herb Helminth was quickly flagged as a phishing attempt and deleted, sources reported Thursday. “I’ve never seen anything like this in my life—he even spelled the name of […]

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