WASHINGTON—Expressing delight at the complete humiliation of their political opponents, White House officials on Monday gleefully mocked the paltry attendance at Democrats’ Great American State Fair. “To no one’s surprise, the Democrats and their socialist allies botched America’s 250th anniversary with a so-called celebration that absolutely no one showed up for,” said White House Press […]

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Broadly considered one of the greatest soccer players of all time, Argentina’s Lionel Messi set a new record as the top goalscorer in World Cup history. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the eight-time Ballon d’Or winner. Age: 39, minus stoppage time Favorite Charity: Major League Soccer Catchphrase: “…” Net Worth: Can’t […]

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With this practically coastal retreat, breathtaking ocean breezes and the soothing sound of waves are only a day-long car ride and a few state lines away, depending on traffic. Reference #78339

The post Only 11 Hours From The Beach appeared first on The Onion.

Millions of Americans will embark on summer vacations this year. Reporters for The Onion asked stars to share their own warm weather plans.

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NEW YORK—Fastening the paper sign to a chair “just in case,” Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly reserved a seat at his wedding reception Monday for SpongeBob. “I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up and that Mr. SquarePants is a really busy guy, but man, it would be cool as hell if […]

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