WASHINGTON—In a landmark piece of legislation that disgusted supporters said was long overdue, Congress passed a law Thursday banning women from leaving the house without makeup. “For too long, Americans have lived in fear of walking outside and encountering the unthinkable—a natural-looking woman who refuses to wear cosmetics,” House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) said in support […]

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A new Superman movie directed by James Gunn is now in theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Superman about? A: Superman trying to reconnect with his roots by opening a Kryptonian restaurant in a skeptical Midwestern town. Q: What is the film’s run time? A: Five […]

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MILWAUKEE—Calling the effort a long overdue attempt to address the city’s checkered history, Milwaukee officials announced Friday that they had removed the iconic riverfront Fonzie statue amid an ongoing reckoning with the town’s greaser past. “In the year 2025, no one should be celebrating the dark era in this city when motorcycles, leather jackets, and necking dominated […]

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CHICAGO—As a singer made her way onto the field to kickoff another home game with “The Star-Spangled Banner,” White Sox public address announcer Gene Honda politely reminded fans Tuesday to remove the Polish sausages from their mouths during the national anthem. According to spectators, Honda told the crowd to “Please rise and kindly remove any tubed […]

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