CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shedding new light on the concept of voluntary behavior, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign contend in a study published this week that the existence of free will can be disproven by the fact that people repeatedly eat at chain sandwich restaurant Jimmy John’s. “Our exhaustive survey of over 12,000 regular Jimmy John’s […]

The post Study Contends Free Will Disproven By Fact That Humans Repeatedly Eat At Jimmy John’s appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON—Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were weighing a ban on social media for everyone except old men who grow big vegetables. “Under our bill, users seeking to access Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, X, or other social media networks will first have to pass […]

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As the NBA continues to weigh potential reforms, The Onion asked players across the league what changes they would make if they had Adam Silver’s job for 24 hours.

The post NBA Players Share The One Thing They’d Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day appeared first on The Onion.

PENSACOLA, FL—Sensing the perfect opportunity to duck out and get a head start on some scrubbing, local mom Sandy Pagano reportedly took advantage of a movie’s hushed monologue Monday to go to the kitchen and wash five pots. Family sources said that during the relatively quiet moment of the film, Pagano eased herself off the […]

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The post No One At Bar Aware World Cup Game Rerun From 2018 appeared first on The Onion.