The happy couple tied the knot Saturday in a beautiful ceremony so opulent that multiple guests looked up the pair’s net worth during the proceedings.

The post Mark Huang and Gerald Blevins appeared first on The Onion.

LAKELAND, FL—Frustrated by the care center’s lack of an adequate signal, Caleb Morris, grandson of local woman Judith Scalzo, complained Tuesday that Sun Haven Hospice had shitty Wi-Fi. “Fuck, Grandma, I can’t even get YouTube videos to load in this goddamn place,” said Morris, admonishing his terminally ill and barely lucid grandmother for choosing to live […]

The post Grandma’s Hospice Has Shitty Wi-Fi appeared first on The Onion.

The post Concentration Scamp appeared first on The Onion.

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Casually strolling from the shoulder of the road and into traffic, former Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly spoke the words “I used to work here” Thursday morning as he wandered onto a busy highway near his home. “Hey guys, remember me?” Buttigieg said while flashing a grin and waving cheerfully at a bus on […]

The post ‘I Used To Work Here,’ Says   Pete Buttigieg, Wandering    Onto Busy Highway appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Lighting up his phone night and day with their cruel taunts, a group of teenage girls reportedly convinced Vice President JD Vance to kill himself Tuesday. “Everyone I know thinks you’re so gross,” 16-year-old Bailey Hayworth said in a video message she sent to Vance, causing the vice president of the United States to throw […]

The post Group Of Teen Girls Convinces JD Vance To Kill Himself appeared first on The Onion.