LAKELAND, FL—Frustrated by the care center’s lack of an adequate signal, Caleb Morris, grandson of local woman Judith Scalzo, complained Tuesday that Sun Haven Hospice had shitty Wi-Fi. “Fuck, Grandma, I can’t even get YouTube videos to load in this goddamn place,” said Morris, admonishing his terminally ill and barely lucid grandmother for choosing to live […]

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After losing hundreds of staff members to federal layoffs, FEMA faces a number of potential budget cuts that would further affect the government’s ability to respond to crises in the future. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Federal Emergency Management Agency. 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.: Daily operating hours 231st: Where […]

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The very first of the famed Hermès Birkin handbags, made for the late actress, musician, and model Jane Birkin, sold for $10.1 million, claiming the title of the most valuable handbag ever to be sold at auction.

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WASHINGTON—In a sudden escalation of his feud with the American-born, Ireland-based former talk show host, President Donald Trump announced Monday he had signed an executive order allocating $175 billion to build an anti–Rosie O’Donnell defense system across the entire United States. “We’re building the greatest Rosie defense network the world has ever seen,” said Trump, […]

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WASHINGTON—Facing mounting backlash from his MAGA base over his perceived ties to the Jeffrey Epstein case, President Donald Trump reportedly encouraged his supporters Monday to simply move on from society’s widespread disdain for pedophilia. “It’s time to just accept that some people like having sex with kids and focus on the fantastic things we’re doing […]

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