Reading List

The most recent articles from a list of feeds I subscribe to.

Group Of Teen Girls Convinces JD Vance To Kill Himself

WASHINGTON—Lighting up his phone night and day with their cruel taunts, a group of teenage girls reportedly convinced Vice President JD Vance to kill himself Tuesday. “Everyone I know thinks you’re so gross,” 16-year-old Bailey Hayworth said in a video message she sent to Vance, causing the vice president of the United States to throw […]

The post Group Of Teen Girls Convinces JD Vance To Kill Himself appeared first on The Onion.

Grandma’s Hospice Has Shitty Wi-Fi

LAKELAND, FL—Frustrated by the care center’s lack of an adequate signal, Caleb Morris, grandson of local woman Judith Scalzo, complained Tuesday that Sun Haven Hospice had shitty Wi-Fi. “Fuck, Grandma, I can’t even get YouTube videos to load in this goddamn place,” said Morris, admonishing his terminally ill and barely lucid grandmother for choosing to live […]

The post Grandma’s Hospice Has Shitty Wi-Fi appeared first on The Onion.

‘I Used To Work Here,’ Says   Pete Buttigieg, Wandering    Onto Busy Highway

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Casually strolling from the shoulder of the road and into traffic, former Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly spoke the words “I used to work here” Thursday morning as he wandered onto a busy highway near his home. “Hey guys, remember me?” Buttigieg said while flashing a grin and waving cheerfully at a bus on […]

The post ‘I Used To Work Here,’ Says   Pete Buttigieg, Wandering    Onto Busy Highway appeared first on The Onion.

FEMA By The Numbers

After losing hundreds of staff members to federal layoffs, FEMA faces a number of potential budget cuts that would further affect the government’s ability to respond to crises in the future. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Federal Emergency Management Agency. 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.: Daily operating hours 231st: Where […]

The post FEMA By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

Jane Birkin’s Original Birkin Bag Sells At Auction For $10 Million

The very first of the famed Hermès Birkin handbags, made for the late actress, musician, and model Jane Birkin, sold for $10.1 million, claiming the title of the most valuable handbag ever to be sold at auction.

The post Jane Birkin’s Original Birkin Bag Sells At Auction For $10 Million appeared first on The Onion.