ATHENS, GREECE—Longing for the day they might cross the threshold from work friends to real friends, director Yorgos Lanthimos reportedly calculated Tuesday that he was only three films away from getting to hang out with Emma Stone outside of work. “I can feel it, I’m just one twisted period dramedy and two surrealist nightmares away […]

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WASHINGTON—Lighting up his phone night and day with their cruel taunts, a group of teenage girls reportedly convinced Vice President JD Vance to kill himself Tuesday. “Everyone I know thinks you’re so gross,” 16-year-old Bailey Hayworth said in a video message she sent to Vance, causing the vice president of the United States to throw […]

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LAKELAND, FL—Frustrated by the care center’s lack of an adequate signal, Caleb Morris, grandson of local woman Judith Scalzo, complained Tuesday that Sun Haven Hospice had shitty Wi-Fi. “Fuck, Grandma, I can’t even get YouTube videos to load in this goddamn place,” said Morris, admonishing his terminally ill and barely lucid grandmother for choosing to live […]

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