PIKEVILLE, KY—Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. “I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay relevant in the workforce, I’m going to need to […]

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QUANTICO, VA—Wincing as the bureau’s director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by a UFC fighter. According to sources, the agents shifted uncomfortably on the sidelines of a […]

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DALLAS—Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company’s boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. “There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they’re boarding how they’re going to help keep the plane […]

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BURLINGTON, VT—Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy’s morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. “Well, that’s another $70 haul of books about breaking convicts on the wheel and dislocating […]

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Jeremy Stark, 48, passed away Thursday following a long battle with God.

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