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ERIE, PA—Feeling what he described as intense satisfaction as he gazed at the floor around the barber chair, local man Gabriel Daynes, 35, was proud of all the hair on the ground after he got a haircut, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, look at that big pile down there—I grew all that!” Daynes reportedly thought to […]

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GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Despite ample opportunity for the troubling realization to occur to him in the long hours he spent staring at his laptop, sources reported Tuesday that local man Aaron Semple at no point recognized during his recent rewatching of every Planet Of The Apes film that he might, in fact, be depressed. “I thought […]

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