The post Human Arm Hanging Limply Out Of Food Delivery Robot appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND—As the pair crossed their fingers and stared longingly at the jumbotron, reports confirmed Sunday that siblings Henry and Daniel Komack were both currently praying they would be featured on Rocket Arena’s kiss cam. “Come on, come on, I want this more than anything,” whispered Henry Komack, 15, his breath trembling as he and his 13-year-old […]

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Mitch Nagler, 92, died peacefully last Thursday, at last relinquishing his stranglehold on the best easy chair in the Silver Pines Retirement Community sunroom.

The post Mitch Nagler appeared first on The Onion.

Hi, friends! Today, I’d like to talk to the grown-ups. I know it’s not easy raising children. Looking after little ones is a lot of work, and sometimes you just need a moment to breathe. So you plop your kids on the couch and turn on a Ms. Rachel video, giving yourself time to cook […]

The post I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent. appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—While recognizing the small detail was of no real significance in the greater scheme of an escalating war with Iran, the entire U.S. populace admitted Tuesday that it was still curious to hear how President Donald Trump would pronounce “Strait of Hormuz.” “He’s gonna have to say it out loud eventually, and it feels like […]

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