The post Best Get-Laid Plan appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Unveiling the procurement at the opening of the new exhibition Fanaticals: Cinema’s Most Fearsome Freaks, the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures announced this week that it had acquired the original Disney adult.  “We are thrilled to confirm that self-professed ‘Disnerd’ Rick Tomko is now a part of our permanent collection,” said Academy Museum spokesperson […]

The post Academy Museum Acquires Original Disney Adult appeared first on The Onion.

Ortega was married off to Lazarus in a peacekeeping deal aimed at easing tensions between Indianapolis and Cincinnati.

The post Adam Lazarus and Hayden Ortega appeared first on The Onion.

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the theocratic dictator who ruled Iran for over 36 years, was killed in a massive U.S. and Israeli military operation, with the Iranian government announcing 40 days of public mourning following the death of the 86-year-old leader. What do you think?

The post Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON—Amid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters Tuesday that Jayson Tatum would remain sidelined until he successfully completed the “Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian,” a riddle- and reason-based gauntlet he devised to assess players’ mental readiness. “Look, I know it’s your guys’ job to ask, […]

The post Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’ appeared first on The Onion.