OAKLAND, CA—Stressing that it was never okay to criticize someone’s appearance, Ariana Grande fans reportedly took to social media Monday to slam body-shamers for pointing out that the singer was actively on fire. “One, she’s always been naturally flammable, and two, she’s asked people to stop talking about the fire multiple times,” said 29-year-old Emma […]

The post Ariana Grande Fans Slam Body-Shamers For Pointing Out Singer Actively On Fire appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Warning that millions of men aged 35 and older would be left utterly adrift following the traumatic loss, researchers at Columbia University published a study Monday that revealed the majority of middle-aged men in the United States lacked the support network they would need to handle singer-songwriter Neil Young’s death. “It’s deeply concerning that […]

The post Study: Majority Of Middle-Aged Men Lack Support Network They’ll Need To Handle Neil Young’s Death appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Condemning the unlawful possession of its property by generations of spectators, Major League Baseball issued a recall Monday of all foul balls that have ever been taken home from its ballparks. “These balls belong to Major League Baseball, and we want them back,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, stressing that any fan who has […]

The post MLB Demands Return Of All Foul Balls appeared first on The Onion.

The post Back Of Gatorade Bottle Features Recipe For Gatorade Casserole appeared first on The Onion.

ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new “We Invented Spaghetti” slogan Friday during a call with investors. “We want Americans to know that when you’re at Olive Garden, you’re not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, you’re also […]

The post Olive Garden Unveils New ‘We Invented Spaghetti’ Slogan appeared first on The Onion.