NEW YORK—Condemning the unlawful possession of its property by generations of spectators, Major League Baseball issued a recall Monday of all foul balls that have ever been taken home from its ballparks. “These balls belong to Major League Baseball, and we want them back,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, stressing that any fan who has […]

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NEW YORK—Warning that millions of men aged 35 and older would be left utterly adrift following the traumatic loss, researchers at Columbia University published a study Monday that revealed the majority of middle-aged men in the United States lacked the support network they would need to handle singer-songwriter Neil Young’s death. “It’s deeply concerning that […]

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CHICAGO—Having confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one. “Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that I’ve driven away everyone who ever cared about me in this world, and now I’m all alone with my miserable self,” the dejected, unshaven NBA […]

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ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new “We Invented Spaghetti” slogan Friday during a call with investors. “We want Americans to know that when you’re at Olive Garden, you’re not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, you’re also […]

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