WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about the charged, inflammatory rhetoric used to promote the 16-day exposition, local prize hog Benny “Big Bones”Carmichael announced Friday that he would be dropping out of the Great American State Fair due to the event’s political nature. “After carefully reviewing the circumstances under which the Freedom 250 festivities are taking place, I must […]

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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Admitting that the vast gulf between media depictions and reality had come as a total shock, German World Cup fan Fabian Lindemann told reporters Friday that he could not believe how different the real United States was from the country’s depiction in the 2006 Pixar film Cars. “It’s so crazy to spend several […]

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SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the character would have been depicted as a titillating working breed if it weren’t for the “woke mob,” DC fans reportedly flocked to social media Friday to blast the dog from Supergirl as not even hot. “It’s hard to believe anyone finds this attractive,” wrote 25-year-old Evan Marsh in response to a photo […]

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FLUSHING, NY—Asserting that it was the least the franchise could do to reward the loyal fanbase that had stuck with the team through so many ups and downs, local Mets fan Paul Sutera told reporters Friday that all he was asking for was one fucking season where they win every single game they play. “I’m […]

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NEW YORK CITY—Touting the discovery as a breakthrough in understanding the behavioral patterns of the insects, Rockefeller University researchers published a study Friday revealing that mosquitos are more attracted to people branded with the Mosquito God’s rune of punishment. “After several rounds of clinical trials with a control group, we can confirm that anyone marked […]

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