Reading List

The most recent articles from a list of feeds I subscribe to.

Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off

DETROIT—Double-checking that he had approval before finalizing travel plans, Detroit Lions rookie Tate Ratledge reportedly approached head coach Dan Campbell on Monday to see if it might be possible for him to take Thanksgiving off. “I know we have a game scheduled, but my family has this big tradition every year where we all get […]

The post Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off appeared first on The Onion.

Former Army Sniper Struggling To Readjust To Being Near Stuff

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Acknowledging that he was on a long and ongoing process of reintegration, former Army sniper Clint Meadows told reporters Monday that he was struggling to readjust to being near stuff. “When my superiors pushed me into training as a sniper, not a single one of them warned me how tough it would be to […]

The post Former Army Sniper Struggling To Readjust To Being Near Stuff appeared first on The Onion.

Record Number Of Women Want To Leave U.S.

A record 40% of American women aged 15–44 say they would like to move abroad permanently, more than twice the share of men, due to a lack of faith in national institutions stemming from Donald Trump’s presidency and the overturning of Roe v. Wade. What do you think?

The post Record Number Of Women Want To Leave U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape

WASHINGTON—In an effort to bring an end to what he described as an anti-American trend in filmmaking, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday imposing a 100% tax on the profits of movies that depict people escaping from slavery. “For too long, liberal Hollywood has pushed its false narratives of unhappy slaves desiring freedom,” […]

The post Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape appeared first on The Onion.

DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern

BATH, ENGLAND—Saying the discovery shed new light on the infamous German dictator’s life, University of Bath researchers revealed DNA sequencing Friday showing that Adolf Hitler was a type of fern. “After analyzing genetic material taken from Hitler’s bunker and comparing it with DNA from one of his known relatives, we’ve determined with 97% certainty that […]

The post DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern appeared first on The Onion.