NEW YORK—Faced with backlash against comments she made last week downplaying the sex trafficking crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, an anxious Megyn Kelly appeared on her podcast Monday waiting for everyone else to start condoning pedophilia too. “I can’t be the only person who thinks having sex with a teenager isn’t all that bad, so don’t […]

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WASHINGTON—Taking the vice president aside to discuss the administration’s response to the upcoming House of Representatives vote to release the Epstein files, President Donald Trump reportedly instructed JD Vance on Monday to say that he had stolen Trump’s face in the 1990s. “Here’s the plan: If you just come out and say that, in 1992, […]

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While prices at the grocery store continue to rise, more Americans are turning to shelf-stable preservation methods to save money on food. The Onion shares tips for home canning. Enter an economic recession. Procure at least one can. Slowly introduce bacteria to other parts of your diet first. Start calling everyone Maw and Paw. Ask […]

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DETROIT—Double-checking that he had approval before finalizing travel plans, Detroit Lions rookie Tate Ratledge reportedly approached head coach Dan Campbell on Monday to see if it might be possible for him to take Thanksgiving off. “I know we have a game scheduled, but my family has this big tradition every year where we all get […]

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FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Acknowledging that he was on a long and ongoing process of reintegration, former Army sniper Clint Meadows told reporters Monday that he was struggling to readjust to being near stuff. “When my superiors pushed me into training as a sniper, not a single one of them warned me how tough it would be to […]

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