With the festive season upon us and our hearts filled with the reality that we’ve never been so isolated and alone, The Onion offers an extensive guide featuring tips and tricks for preparing an unforgettable annual feast to create a completely miserable dining experience for one. STEP 1 Leave your ex-wife a long, meandering voicemail. […]

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LOS ANGELES—Accusing the competition series of “blatant favoritism,” Dancing With The Stars fans took to social media Tuesday to criticize the show for allowing contestant Whitney Leavitt to use an extra pair of legs. “How in the world did Whitney get not two, but four different legs to use during her performance?” Dancing With The […]

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WASHINGTON—Calling the national crisis “a complete justification” for additional airstrikes on boats purportedly trafficking narcotics, the Pentagon issued a statement Tuesday blaming Venezuela for the flow of drugs into Kash Patel. “Day after day, Venezuela’s violent cartels smuggle illicit narcotics across the border and into our country’s FBI director,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, adding […]

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COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday while catching up over drinks with his single friend Brian Schur. “Yeah, man, things are fine—same old, same old,” said Reaves, who that night would curl up on the couch […]

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The U.S. government issued new guidance that would deny visas to applicants with certain chronic health conditions such as diabetes or obesity if they may pose a financial burden on public resources. What do you think?

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