PHILADELPHIA—Hailing the discovery as a major step forward in the understanding of human psychology, University of Pennsylvania researchers published a study Monday revealing that mourning loved ones is a huge waste of time. “Contrary to past assumptions, our work suggests grieving a lost family member or friend is really just throwing away precious time on […]

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Kristi Noem was fired from her post as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and will be replaced by Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), the embattled Noem’s exit following intense public backlash to her handling of Trump’s immigration crackdown and mishandling of department funds. What do you think?

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WASHINGTON—Characterizing her new role in the middle of an Iowa corn field as a better fit for her skill set, the White House announced Friday that former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem had been reassigned as a scarecrow at the USDA. “While she clearly struggled in her prior position, we realized Kristi still had more […]

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WASHINGTON—Striking a note of optimism as the prospects for a protracted conflict with Iran grew likelier, President Trump on Friday urged Americans to bear in mind that they’ll no longer have to pay their son’s cell phone bill if he dies at war. “You may be grieving at first, but, believe me, you’ll be smiling […]

The post Trump To Americans: ‘You Won’t Have To Pay Your Son’s Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War’  appeared first on The Onion.

The post Stoic Kristi Noem Bears Firing With Stiff Upper Lip, Chin, Cheeks, Forehead appeared first on The Onion.