WASHINGTON—In an attempt to dispel rumors of an affair during the 2024 presidential campaign, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference Monday during which he denied ever laying eggs in Vanity Fair editor Olivia Nuzzi. “I know there has been a lot of speculation about me depositing my clutch […]

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BOSTON—Prematurely assuming he had reached the end of the 1977 rock masterpiece, local man Peter Verran, who thought Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain” was over, was reportedly in for the thrill of his fucking life Monday. According to eyewitnesses, Verran incorrectly understood the receding guitar licks and cymbal crashes just before the three-minute mark to be […]

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The post Interactive COP30 Exhibit Allows Attendees To Be Shot Up Into Air On Big Spurt Of Oil appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Reversing course after fierce backlash over the decision’s potentially divisive nature, the U.S. Coast Guard announced Friday that it would abandon plans to reclassify the swastika from a hate symbol to the military branch’s official mascot. “As of now, there are no ongoing plans to continue rolling out ‘Heily the Sailin’ Swastika’ as our fun […]

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The post Ken Burns’ ‘The American Revolution’ Ends With Number To Call If You Considering Founding Nation appeared first on The Onion.