NEW HAVEN, CT—Providing data that bolsters long-running concerns about the beverage among environmental experts and activists, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Yale University has found that humans waste an astonishing 74 billion gallons of water each year making tea. “We must stop this terrible practice of taking our most precious natural resource and, […]

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SNEEDVILLE, TN—Opting out of the awards process for reasons he called both personal and political, country music star Morgan Wallen announced Friday that he would be boycotting the Grammys in protest of desegregation. “After a lot of soul-searching, I cannot in good conscience submit my music for Grammy consideration knowing that all races are welcome,” […]

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Mark Rodney, 52, passed away suddenly last Saturday. His family has announced that the first person to correctly guess his cause of death will win a $25 Visa gift card.

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WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he wasn’t going to leave the nation’s capital without getting one good photograph, D.C. tourist Stan Jacobs expressed frustration Friday after atrocities kept getting in the frame of his shot. “All right, everyone, looking good—just wait two more seconds until all those military guys finish shooting their assault rifles and hop back into […]

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Alien: Earth, the latest entry in the Alien franchise, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sci-fi series. Q: Where is it streaming? A: Looks like the guy sitting next to you on the bus has it playing pretty loudly. Q: Is it appropriate for children? A: No, but […]

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