ROANOKE, VA—As he struggled to discreetly administer the life-saving anaphylaxis treatment following a bee sting, local poor third grader Mason Prewitt was reportedly bullied this week for using a generic EpiPen. “Oh my God, is that really your auto-injector, or did you just tape a sewing needle to a glue stick?” said classmate Lucas Hammond, […]

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NEW YORK—Stumped by the latest development to come out of the world of entertainment, sources confirmed Monday that presumably real television show Irish Blood had come to Acorn TV. “Huh, look at that,” one source said of the Alicia Silverstone–led series, which was presumably written, shot, and edited before being made available on the streaming […]

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As millions of students across the U.S. return to the classes, schools and universities are struggling to establish consistent policies regarding the use of AI. The Onion examines the pros and cons of using artificial intelligence for schoolwork.  PRO Only possible way to figure out when World War I ended Curriculum can be customized to […]

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The Food and Drug Administration warned Americans not to consume Great Value raw frozen shrimp sold at Walmart due to possible contamination with the radioactive isotope Cesium-137. What do you think?

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TOLEDO, OH—In response to the holier-than-thou message on their social media feeds, sources reported Friday that a post by local man Jim Boisvert was pretty sanctimonious for someone who had only been sober for a month. “He’s really laying it on thick about not needing alcohol to have fun considering he was absolutely pounding beers as […]

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