The post Travis Kelce Worried Patrick Mahomes’s ACL Tear Will Derail ‘Harlem Shake’ Groomsmen Entrance appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS—Excitedly revealing to the staff that she had a special surprise, local data analyst Kayla Herrera reportedly delighted coworkers Wednesday upon returning from Europe by bringing back a Latvian man for everyone to share. “I couldn’t get enough of him when I was abroad,” said Herrera, grinning as her colleagues struggled to pronounce the Latvian […]

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The post Downer and Blitzin’ appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Citing an urgent need to spruce up the country’s drab perimeter, Congress allocated $45 million Tuesday to hang fairy lights along the U.S. border. “This funding will go a long way toward making our great nation even cozier,” said Rep. Sam Graves (R-MO), who co-sponsored the bipartisan bill aimed at improving the nation’s ambience with […]

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SCHAUMBURG, IL—Claiming the new offering would revolutionize the use of pasta sauce in stress reduction and pain relief, Ragú officials unveiled a new sensory deprivation marinara tank at a press event Friday. “This lightproof, soundproof vat filled with our signature vine-ripened, zesty tomato sauce marks the beginning of an exciting new era in tomato-based relaxation,” […]

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