NEW BEDFORD, MA—Expressing deep gratitude to find himself surrounded by those so dear to his heart, local crab Dan Herscher told reporters Wednesday that he was just happy to be in a bucket with all his friends. “Yes, sir, there’s nothing better than hanging out in a plastic bucket and clambering all over a couple […]

The post Crab Just Happy To Be In Bucket With All His Friends appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In a chaotic scene that left motorists confused and alarmed, witnesses along Interstate 495 reported Tuesday that President Donald Trump was seen wandering pantsless on the shoulder of the freeway, holding a ceremonial sword straight out in front of him, and asking passing drivers, “Which way is Iran?” “Woman! Tell me if Iran is to […]

The post ‘Which Way Is Iran?’ Asks Pantsless, Sword-Wielding Trump Wandering On Side Of Freeway appeared first on The Onion.

The couple’s Maldives destination wedding was largely a litmus test to find out which of their friends and family they can hit up for money in the future.

The post Jason Schaible and Erica Finch appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Scratching his chin as he appeared to search for the right words, Vice President JD Vance reportedly struggled to articulate Wednesday what exactly it was that he didn’t love about the baby name “Rohit.” “I like where you’re going with it for sure, it’s just, uh, I was thinking we’d go with something a little […]

The post JD Vance Struggling To Articulate What It Is He Doesn’t Love About Baby Name ‘Rohit’ appeared first on The Onion.

Tommy’s parents are on a trip up north somewhere, so he’s inviting the whole class over to open his dad’s liquor cabinet. You in? Reference #15937

The post Tommy’s Parents Are Out Of Town, Let’s Party appeared first on The Onion.