The post Travis Kelce Worried Patrick Mahomes’s ACL Tear Will Derail ‘Harlem Shake’ Groomsmen Entrance appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—In a continuation of their post-MSNBC rebranding effort, cable news network MS NOW was reportedly luring in new viewers Wednesday with a slowly rotating gyro spit in the corner of all its programming. “With linear TV viewership in decline and audiences increasingly turning to social media for their news, we knew that we needed […]

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MINNEAPOLIS—Excitedly revealing to the staff that she had a special surprise, local data analyst Kayla Herrera reportedly delighted coworkers Wednesday upon returning from Europe by bringing back a Latvian man for everyone to share. “I couldn’t get enough of him when I was abroad,” said Herrera, grinning as her colleagues struggled to pronounce the Latvian […]

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The post Downer and Blitzin’ appeared first on The Onion.

ST. PAUL, MN—Noting that the traditional carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a new report published Tuesday found that the presence of an electric guitar means you can be pretty damn sure that what you’re listening to is not your mother’s “Jingle Bells.” “Whether you’re out Christmas shopping at Old Navy, watching a […]

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