NAPERVILLE, IL—Scurrying into the alley as employees chased her with a broom, Aldi CEO Atty McGrath reportedly had to be shooed away Tuesday after she was seen rummaging through the dumpsters behind a local Whole Foods. “We keep finding her rooting around our bins looking for food items she can stock her shelves with,” said […]

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Fundraising website GoFundMe reported a sharp uptick in the number of people using the platform to help cover the cost of basic necessities, including housing, food, and other day-to-day expenses. What do you think?

The post Report Finds More Americans Using GoFundMe For Basic Necessities appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI—Saying she thought it might be fun if they tried something a little different, Dana Grady, wife of Bengals quarterback Joe Flacco, reportedly dressed in a giant football costume Tuesday night in an effort to spice things up in the bedroom. “I need a big, strong quarterback to come score a touchdown,” Grady said to […]

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NEW YORK—In a continuation of their post-MSNBC rebranding effort, cable news network MS NOW was reportedly luring in new viewers Wednesday with a slowly rotating gyro spit in the corner of all its programming. “With linear TV viewership in decline and audiences increasingly turning to social media for their news, we knew that we needed […]

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CAMDEN, NJ—Revealing that the products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors, food processing giant Campbell’s announced Thursday it had launched a new line of self-defense soups. “Whether you attach the can to a strap and use it as a flail or heat up the soup to create a thermal weapon, […]

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