WASHINGTON—Lauding the breakthrough as a pivotal moment in the search for stones beyond the solar system, researchers at NASA announced Tuesday the discovery of a distant planet with perfect conditions for sustaining rocks. “After analysis of HD 101581 b’s atmosphere and surface conditions, we are confident this astronomical body meets all known criteria for supporting […]

The post NASA Discovers Distant Planet With Conditions That Could Sustain Rocks appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON—Delighting his schoolmates as he weaved a rich tapestry of life in the United States, newly returned British exchange student Ethan Rowe, 15, reportedly regaled his friends Tuesday with stories of food that tastes good. “In America they use salt, and they have sauces other than malt vinegar and brown!” Rowe said to growing throngs […]

The post British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes Good appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was prepared to remain in the role for as long as necessary, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he would marry Venezuelan first lady Cilia Adela Flores de Maduro. “Until we can find a suitable long-term replacement, I’ll be married to Mrs. Maduro,” Trump said in a news conference in which he repeatedly […]

The post Trump Claims He Will Marry Maduro’s Wife Until Suitable Replacement Found appeared first on The Onion.

DANBURY, CT—Emphasizing the local parish’s dedication to serving its most vulnerable community members, St. Mary’s Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it was opening its doors to any single mothers in need of judgment. “Times are tough right now, but we want divorcées and unwed moms to know they can rely on the church to cast […]

The post Local Church Opens Doors To Any Single Mothers In Need Of Judgment appeared first on The Onion.

The post Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’ appeared first on The Onion.