LEAWOOD, KS—Periodically grunting and nodding his head, a dead-eyed Travis Kelce was reportedly viewing an array of bow tie options for cat ring bearers Thursday. “Looks great,” said the 35-year-old Kansas City Chiefs tight end, whose mouth was slightly agape as fiancée Taylor Swift scrolled through page after page of sequined collars and tulle bandana […]

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SPARTANBURG, SC—Introducing a new promotion that will be available to both adults and children at its restaurants nationwide, 24-hour diner chain Denny’s announced this week that free pancakes would be provided to customers who take their fighting outside. “We know our customers love coming to Denny’s to participate in violent late-night brawls, and now those […]

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PHOENIX—In an intense bout of insecurity and wariness toward his partner’s superficial focus, Fortune 500 CEO William Freitag, 57, reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that the 23-year-old woman he was currently dating was only into him for his keen business acumen. “I’m trying not to let it get to me, but deep down I can’t help […]

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Despite losing the Democratic primary in June, Andrew Cuomo will be on the ballot this November as an independent candidate for New York City mayor. The Onion sat down with the former governor to discuss his campaign. The Onion : How do you feel your campaign has been going so far? Cuomo: I haven’t really been […]

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