MILL VALLEY, CA—Having proudly removed the piece of shriveled penile flesh from its bag and laid it next to her large selection of craft supplies, local mother Emily Taylor spent the afternoon scrapbooking her son’s foreskin, wincing sources reported Tuesday. According to witnesses, the foreskin, which had belonged to her 6-day-old infant son before being snipped […]

The post Foreskin Scrapbooked appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NY—Revealing the bird species has the capacity to detect botox, fillers, and even laser hair removal, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Avian Biology found that crows are able to recognize faces that have had work done. “It’s clear from observational data that crows have a keen ability to not only detect, but […]

The post Study Finds Crows Able To Recognize Faces Had Work Done appeared first on The Onion.

This charming property offers the perfect blend of comfort and convenience, which is exactly why it’s going to be purchased by the world’s largest asset manager. Good luck! Maybe they’ll rent it to you. Reference #68370

The post You’re Bidding Against Blackstone appeared first on The Onion.

The post Ref Under Uprights Sheepishly Waits To Do ‘Good’ Sign Until Other Ref Does It First appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Pleading with fans to rein in their excitement during Saturday’s pivotal wild card matchup, Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams was reportedly forced to signal the boisterous home crowd at Soldier Field to eat less loudly. “The way these rowdy Bears fans are chewing, smacking their lips, and grunting as they ravenously scarf down hot dogs, […]

The post Caleb Williams Signals Boisterous Chicago Home Crowd To Eat Less Loudly appeared first on The Onion.