PITTSBURGH—Acknowledging that the erotic, ultrarealistic episodes had been a frequent occurrence since the NFL season began, local resident Peter Hayward told reporters Tuesday that his vivid sex dream from the previous evening was once again about Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam. “Oh Jesus, I had another weird Steely dream—why does this keep happening?” said Hayward, […]

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WASHINGTON—Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year’s midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official “ICE kills everyone” agenda for 2026. “In our continuing fight to make America great again, it is vital we maintain Republican control of the government so we can ensure […]

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SEATTLE—In an effort to help U.S. homebuyers find the kinds of neighborhoods they’re looking for, online real estate marketplace Zillow announced Monday that it had provided each property listing with a segregation score, allowing users to quickly gauge an area’s racial homogeneity. “Every home on Zillow now includes a rating of one to 100 based on […]

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MILWAUKEE—After instructing his 5-year-old son to imagine a bunch of birthday candles at the other end of the tube, local dad Rick Cerney, 41, reportedly rewarded the child’s blow into his car Breathalyzer Monday with a dicey trip to an ice cream shop. “Great job, buddy—just like a balloon, right?” Cerney said as he used his […]

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