STARBASE, TX—Claiming that his relationship with the nation’s adults had been ‘irreparably’ damaged by their recent comments in support of the trans community, Elon Musk announced Thursday that he had filed for full custody of all U.S. children. “I will be filing for full custody today, given that every American parent supports the transition of infants,” Musk wrote […]

The post Elon Musk Files For Full Custody Of All U.S. Children appeared first on The Onion.

Gregory Bovino is “commander at large” of the U.S. Border Patrol’s mass deportation efforts. The Onion takes a look at Bovino’s background. Political Beliefs: Fiscally conservative, socially National Socialist Leadership Style: Spittle-forward Motto: “Shoot first, dodge questions later.” Nostrils: Tactical grade Greatest Fear: HD video Hairstyle: Never a good sign High School Superlative: Least Hidden […]

The post Political Profile: Gregory Bovino appeared first on The Onion.

A new study published in the journal Science found that exceptionally smart dogs can learn the names of objects simply by overhearing human conversations and extracting meaning from social cues, showing word-learning abilities similar to toddlers. What do you think?

The post Study: Some Gifted Dogs Can Pick Up New Words By Eavesdropping appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Calling her actions “indefensible,” Vice President JD Vance stated Thursday that Renée Good was brainwashed by the Bible into loving thy neighbor. “The fact of the matter is that Renée Good was radicalized by these deranged, left-wing texts,” said Vance, whose response to the death of the 37-year-old Minneapolis mother was reiterated across social media […]

The post Conservatives Say Renée Good Was Brainwashed By Bible Into Loving Thy Neighbor appeared first on The Onion.

With its proposal of the first-ever $1 trillion defense budget, the White House has sought a dramatic increase in funding for the armed forces. Here, The Onion breaks down President Trump’s military spending by the numbers.

The post Trump’s Military Spending By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.