LEAWOOD, KS—Stressing that he wouldn’t want his best bud to feel left out on such a special day, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly asked fiancée Taylor Swift this week if, during their upcoming wedding, his brother Jason could get married with them too. “It wouldn’t feel right if Jason wasn’t up there with […]

The post Travis Kelce Asks Taylor Swift If Jason Can Also Get Married With Them appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA—In an apparent attempt to guilt his children into eating their vegetables Monday, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller reportedly reminded one of his sons, a picky eater, that there were starving boys and girls in the basement who didn’t get to have any food at all. “Think of the poor, famished children […]

The post Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement appeared first on The Onion.

At my age, most people have given up on their dreams. They go to college, settle down, get steady careers. Pretty soon, they’ve spent so much time on the corporate money-go-round they can’t even remember what got their engines going in the first place. But I could never see myself holding down a nine-to-five like […]

The post All I Ever Wanted Is To Be A Musician And For Music To Be Easy appeared first on The Onion.

It turns out Kimberly Cunningham, 45, did forget her EpiPen at home.

The post Kimberly Cunningham appeared first on The Onion.

GENEVA—In a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released new guidelines Tuesday for the treatment of anxiety by sneaking off to do drugs in the bathroom. “Whether you’re feeling uncomfortable while out in public or in the home of a friend or relative, you can […]

The post Anxiety Experts Recommend Sneaking Off To Do Drugs In Bathroom appeared first on The Onion.