President Trump announced Wednesday that a framework for a future Greenland deal had been reached. The Onion assesses the veracity of Trump’s statements regarding Greenland.  Claim: Greenland needs protection from Russia and China. Partially true: Greenland needs protection from Russia, China, and the United States. Claim: America will use military force to acquire Greenland if […]

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CHICAGO—Calling attention to the startling lack of tied-up cherry stems in the average diet, health experts from the American Medical Association warned Tuesday that Americans were not sensually eating enough fruit. “While it’s recommended that adults erotically suck on at least two pieces of fruit daily, many people are falling far short of that,” said Dr. […]

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Four-window square house complete with chimney smoke, two stick parents, and a large sun. Reference #84067

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LOS ANGELES—Leaning forward in his seat as a number of questions raced through his mind, Dwayne Johnson was reportedly intrigued Monday after learning there was a special trophy for good actors. “Huh, interesting—and you said they give them out every year?” asked Johnson, who frowned as he racked his brain in an attempt to recall if […]

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