The post Trump To Europe: ‘Getting Greenland Was Mr. Dilbert’s Final Wish’ appeared first on The Onion.

MILFORD, MA—Wincing at the blast of guttural sobs erupting from the speaker as she picked up, local woman Anna Higgins reportedly threw herself on a grenade Tuesday by answering a phone call from her dysregulated friend. “I’m so sorry, Jennifer—it must be really hard to get dumped so soon after you stopped taking your antidepressants,” […]

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David Hammond passed away Sunday at the age of 81. In lieu of flowers, his family requests that mourners place a three-team parlay on the Lions, Colts, and Titans to cover, as it’s essentially free money.

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LOS ANGELES—Noting that this year’s nominations had once again completely omitted an important sector of cinema, actor Tim Allen took to social media Thursday to call out the Oscars for failing to recognize movies where a guy turns into a dog. “By not elevating these films, the Academy is sending the message that stories about […]

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