THE HEAVENS—Warning His subjects that they should not mess with His carefully laid plans by playing hero, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly informed humanity Monday that choking people were meant to die. “I created all things—do you really think I would fuck up and make human throats clog on accident? This is divine […]

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BUFFALO, NY—Giving thanks for the hospitality shown to him and his family throughout his tenure with the team, recently terminated Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott reportedly expressed his gratitude Monday to the people, if you want to use that term, of Buffalo. “For the past nine years, the people—and of course I use that […]

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President Donald Trump signed the charter for his “Board of Peace” Thursday, establishing himself as presiding chairman of a new international body aimed at resolving global conflicts. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the organization. Q: What is the board’s stated aim? A: To finally end the impending threat of global cooperation. […]

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Ryan Coogler’s Southern Gothic vampire period piece Sinners received 16 Academy Award nominations, surpassing the previous record of 14 nominations held by All About Eve, Titanic, and La La Land. What do you think?

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