TACOMA, WA—Urging her kids to cut their dad some slack amid the added stressors of his work life, area woman Ashlyn Bergman reportedly informed her children Tuesday that their father, who typically spends half his workday playing Clash Of Clans on his phone, was “under a lot of pressure at work.” “He doesn’t love you […]

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HOBOKEN, NJ—In a major shift from the company’s decades-long focus on inner beauty, personal care product brand Dove finally admitted Tuesday that some people are ugly. “Despite years of claims that people of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, we are now prepared to agree that there are some butterfaced uggos out there whose looks […]

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WASHINGTON—Claiming the nation’s beloved North Star State was in peril, Immigration and Customs Enforcement issued a ransom note Tuesday that told the United States to pay $65 billion if it ever wanted to see Minnesota again. “The $65 billion should be placed in an unmarked federal appropriations bill—if it isn’t, that will be the end […]

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Services for Peter Barnell, 72, will be held Friday. The family asks that each attendee take home a portion of the remains because they don’t want any leftovers.

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