HOUSTON—Insisting he still believed in the dream that Americans from all circumstances could eventually become sexual deviants, conservative man Samuel Welker reportedly defended child molesters implicated in the Epstein files Monday in case he himself some day became a child molester. “Sure, I don’t have a ton of young girls at my disposal now, but […]

The post Conservative Defends Child Molesters In Case He Becomes Child Molester Someday appeared first on The Onion.

The post Groundhog Harassed By Dipshits In Stupid Hats appeared first on The Onion.

The Onion asked K-pop’s biggest fans to explain their devotion, in their own words.

The post Fans Explain Why They Love K-Pop appeared first on The Onion.

Australia and France recently enacted social media bans for children, with other countries considering similar legislation. The Onion examines the pros and cons of restricting social media access for teens. PRO Easier to talk shit about them behind their back Prevents access to harmful material for the 10 minutes it takes to bypass safeguards More […]

The post Pros And Cons Of Social Media Bans For Teens appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—As concerns continue to mount regarding a potential decline in the president’s physical and mental health, the White House issued a statement Friday denying that a flickering, green Donald Trump was a hologram. Administration officials dismissed claims that the president had been wavering in and out of focus during recent public appearances and asserted that […]

The post White House Denies Flickering, Green Trump A Hologram appeared first on The Onion.