LOS ANGELES—As they stared intently at their phones and pretended not to notice the steady rhythm of smacks echoing through the locker room, the Los Angeles Lakers were reportedly trying their best to act casual Tuesday while LeBron James spanked his son Bronny in full view of the team. “Wow, yikes, he’s really laying into […]

The post Rest Of Lakers Trying To Act Casual While LeBron James Spanks Bronny appeared first on The Onion.

The happy couple wed Saturday in the presence of four loving guests and 176 indifferent ones.

The post Mia Cutler and Xavier Carrasco appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Saying he couldn’t remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday when he successfully deported his own family. The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had “hit the jackpot” when he realized that because his wife […]

The post ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family appeared first on The Onion.

The post Funeral Canceled Due To Runaway Corpse appeared first on The Onion.

Priced at $1.5 million, this two-bedroom bungalow will send a clear message to every working-class family still in the neighborhood that their days are truly numbered. Reference #7086

The post The Beginning Of The End appeared first on The Onion.