PHOENIX—In an effort to attract clientele who need to rent vehicles for their belongings without having a final destination totally locked in just yet, U-Haul officials unveiled a fleet of live-in trucks Wednesday for customers to sleep in as they sort some shit out. “We’re excited to finally be able to offer our customers an […]

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RUTHERFORD, NJ—Expressing disappointment at how his life had turned out, local pet iguana Kermit confirmed this week that he had assumed by this point he would have moved out of his starter tank. “I just always pictured myself living in a far bigger enclosure at this age,” said the 8-year-old green iguana, adding that when […]

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WASHINGTON—In a firm dismissal of decades of scientific research and real-world data on the organ’s benefits and safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. publicly questioned the efficacy of skin Wednesday while testifying before Congress. “Everything we know about skin has been learned from so-called scientific studies funded by large corporations who […]

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Describing the woman’s imagined scenario of workplace valor as both “cringeworthy” and “profoundly sad,” office sources confirmed Tuesday that employee Sarah Cobb’s fantasy about impressing her coworkers at Davidson Analytics was unimaginably pathetic. According to reports, Cobb—who in reality has failed to distinguish herself either socially or through her work in her four years […]

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