WASHINGTON—Alarmed at the shocking lapse in protocol that nearly resulted in disaster, a shaken President Donald Trump ordered his security presence beefed up Monday following a frighteningly close brush with JD Vance. “How’s a guy like that even allowed to enter the same building as me, let alone get within handshaking distance?” said Trump, adding […]

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Originally a Catholic feast day for the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into a global celebration of Irish heritage and culture. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the holiday. 432 A.D. St. Patrick kicks all the snakes out of Ireland for failing to meet the three-drink minimum. 521 St. Brigid […]

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GREENVILLE, NC—Touting the contest as his most exciting competition to date, internet personality Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson reportedly offered $50,000 Monday to anyone who could survive seeing what lies beneath his mask. “I have an awesome new challenge today for anyone who can peek under my face and behold my true form without perishing,” said the […]

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KALISPELL, MT—Presenting a united front in their carefully timed effort, friends and coworkers announced plans Monday to gang up on local depressed man Alberto Rivas right when he felt at his worst. “We’re all coordinating with each other to ensure that at the precise moment he thinks he’s hit rock bottom, things actually get even […]

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Every year, dozens are killed and many more injured in the avalanches that surge down mountains nationwide. Here’s ways to avoid an untimely death by snow. Check God’s Wrath Level Before Heading Out: If forecasts indicate He’s angry with you, it’s best to stay in. Get Ready: To help ensure you are prepared, try getting […]

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