HANNIBAL, MO—Expanding their exercise empire through a hostile takeover of the nearby business, the imperialistic Planet Fitness reportedly annexed a nearby GameStop Thursday as part of their Judgement Free Zone. “In our commitment to improving the world’s physique, we must take what is rightfully ours,” said Planet Fitness CEO Colleen Keating in a fiery speech, […]

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MILWAUKEE—Following his blockbuster trade to the Miami Heat, former Milwaukee Bucks superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo took out a full-page ad in The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Wednesday thanking Bucks fans for not eating him during his 13 seasons with the franchise. “To the people of Milwaukee, please know that I will be forever grateful that you looked […]

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LOS ANGELES—Enticing fans with the promise of the franchise’s most dangerous stunt yet, a new trailer for Jackass: Best And Last released Wednesday showed an aging Johnny Knoxville trying to climb a staircase without a handrail. “Holy shit, what the fuck am I doing?” said the 55-year-old Knoxville, who was seen in the footage shrugging […]

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RACINE, WI—Vowing that the new product line was the ideal way to make termites and beetles suffer for all eternity, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson announced Wednesday that its insecticide brand Raid would be unveiling a new immortality spray that curses insects to watch everyone they love die. “With Raid Immortality Spray, bugs will no […]

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