WILMINGTON, DE—Expressing relief about his obliviousness to America’s unraveling, former President Joe Biden told reporters Thursday that he was grateful not to be alive to see what Trump was doing to the country.“ I devoted my entire life to safeguarding the ideals of democratic freedom and promoting liberty across this great land, and I cannot […]

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President Trump’s border czar, Tom Homan, was recently tapped to lead ICE’s highly publicized deportation campaign in Minnesota. The Onion takes a look at Homan’s background. Head Weight: 66 pounds Ideology: Fundamentalist Punisher fan Least Favorite Haplogroup: Q-M242 Role In Project 2025: Genetic source for cloned ICE agents Favorite Part Of Job: Working with kids […]

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The post Drunken Seahawks Fans Climbing Space Needle appeared first on The Onion.

BOISE, ID—Crying out “¡Dios mío!” and “¡Ayúdame!” as soon as they heard the opening notes of the Puerto Rican superstar’s “EoO,” millions of terrified conservatives reportedly lost the ability to speak English Sunday after exposure to Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl LX halftime performance. “Oh, what a crock-load of mierda—¿qué?—¿qué está pasando? ” said local 43-year-old Randy […]

The post Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance (‘¡Dios Mío!’ Cry Millions Of Panicking Republicans) appeared first on The Onion.

The post Turning Point USA Halftime Show Opens With Snake-Handling Preacher appeared first on The Onion.