QUANTICO, VA—Wincing as the bureau’s director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by a UFC fighter. According to sources, the agents shifted uncomfortably on the sidelines of a […]

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DALLAS—Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company’s boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. “There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they’re boarding how they’re going to help keep the plane […]

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LEAWOOD, KS—Groaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend, Travis Kelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after he learned fiancée Taylor Swift had signed him up for the NFL again. “She says sticking with it will teach me responsibility and discipline, but I know what she really wants is to just get me out of the house,” said the 36-year-old […]

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WASHINGTON—In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Put me on with the royal leader of Hormuz, ASAP—I need to convince him to reopen his water,” said […]

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HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Expressing her steadfast devotion to the Hollywood star, media personality Kylie Jenner was gushing to reporters Monday over her partner, Michael B. Jordan. “He’s handsome, he’s talented, and he’s great with my kids,” said the 28-year-old Jenner, who described the connection she had with the Sinners star as “unbreakable” and “unmatched.” “Celebrating his Oscar win […]

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