WASHINGTON—Saying he hoped the break would keep his party focused on the America First agenda, Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) announced plans Thursday for the House of Representatives to take a short recess as he doused the U.S. Capitol in gasoline. “We know that the American people are best served by putting an end to these […]

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WASHINGTON—Following federal cuts to utility bill assistance programs, the Department of Health and Human Services released guidance Thursday advising low-income seniors to stay cool by wallowing in the mud. “With summer temperatures soaring, it’s more important than ever that older Americans are taking the time to lower their bodies into slop,” said Health Secretary Robert […]

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This wedding took a bizarre turn Saturday after the groom willingly engaged in a perverted family tradition in which he slow-danced with his own mother.

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NEW YORK—Instinctively lowering themselves into a defensive crouch while awaiting the return of the eerily absent audio cue, Manhattan residents reportedly remained on alert Thursday after a sunrise unaccompanied by languid clarinet music. “Every day, as long as I can remember, I would roll out of bed to a soulful clarinet solo scoring the sun’s […]

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