VERNON HILLS, IL—Lacking the ability to transform her father’s personality to the same extent as his leather couch or riding lawn mower, newborn baby Amber Gilroy reportedly failed this week to change new parent Eric Gilroy in any conceivable way. “Eric was always nice but just kind of floating through life, and then as soon […]

The post Baby Fails To Change New Father In Any Way appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON—Calling for all hands on deck as he seized an armful of paperbacks, local bookshop owner Colin Mueller was reportedly scrambling to hide the classics Monday after he spotted filmmaker Emerald Fennell approaching the door. “For the love of God, please, someone grab the Jane Austens!” said Mueller, who jumped on top of a chair […]

The post Bookseller Scrambles To Hide All The Classics After Seeing Emerald Fennell Approaching Door appeared first on The Onion.

PREDAZZO, ITALY—Calling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of the universe, International Olympic Committee officials confirmed Saturday that the Finnish ski jumping team had been caught tampering with Earth’s gravitational field in an attempt to gain a competitive advantage at the Winter Olympics. “During a […]

The post Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Praising the tireless efforts of the hundreds of agents who worked around the clock on the case, FBI director Kash Patel announced Friday that after almost two anguishing weeks, Savannah Guthrie had at last been located. “This morning before dawn, a hostage rescue team stormed a New York City townhouse and freed Savannah, who miraculously did […]

The post FBI Announces They Have Located Savannah Guthrie appeared first on The Onion.

A study published in the Journal Of Archaeological Science found that the Romans used human feces in medical treatments after discovering glass bottles containing the substance, the first time that physical evidence has been documented although Roman texts described the practice. What do you think?

The post Study Finds Ancient Romans Used Poop As Medicine appeared first on The Onion.