WASHINGTON—Declaring that athletes who had disgraced their country with a poor performance needed to be dealt with in the harshest manner possible, President Donald Trump asked advisors Tuesday when he would get to kill members of Team USA who lost at the Olympics. “If they’re not standing on that podium, they’re traitors who should be […]

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ROCK ISLAND, IL—Taking a moment to reflect on treasured memories of their recently deceased family patriarch, grandchildren of the late Ronald Gorden reminisced Tuesday about how their grandfather was always there to mess up stuff their grandma had just cleaned. “If there’s one thing you could say about Grandpa, it’s that he was continually tracking […]

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WASHINGTON—In a new claim challenging traditional pediatric norms regarding infant safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that being left in a hot car could “help babies sweat out toxins.” “Roll up the windows, park in a sunny spot, and let the sun do its magic—in a couple hours, your […]

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The post Dad Pursuing Lottery Scratchers Full-Time Now appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON—Calling for all hands on deck as he seized an armful of paperbacks, local bookshop owner Colin Mueller was reportedly scrambling to hide the classics Monday after he spotted filmmaker Emerald Fennell approaching the door. “For the love of God, please, someone grab the Jane Austens!” said Mueller, who jumped on top of a chair […]

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