“Looksmaxxing,” a new trend that can involve jaw exercises, steroid use, and extreme cosmetic procedures, has taken off among many boys and young men. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding looksmaxxing.  MYTH: Regularly exercising your jaw muscles can make them bigger. FACT: The most effective way to change your face shape is to contract mumps. […]

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WILLOW SPRINGS, IL—Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she was annoyed at all the comments she was getting about the Year of the Horse. “Everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited about it being the Year of the Horse, and I’m like, uh, I guess?” […]

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South Korea’s spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his heir, with the 13-year-old having recently attended several high profile events alongside her father. What do you think?

The post Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS—Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate. “It feels good and the parts to do it are attached to your body—how much simpler […]

The post God Wondering When Humans Will Realize Purpose Of Life Masturbating Continually appeared first on The Onion.

MEMPHIS, TN—Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about whether to kill or show his tummy to an unknown visitor. “I really love getting scritchy-scratchies on my tumtum, but if this guy is dangerous, then the safer bet is […]

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