WASHINGTON—In a frantic bid to dispose of damaging evidence amid ongoing scrutiny of his relationship with the late child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, a desperate President Donald Trump reportedly attempted to flush a 14-year-old masseuse down the toilet Tuesday. “Oh Christ, c’mon, Ashley, don’t get stuck—uh, just gimme one second in here!” Trump said as […]

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The Perseid meteor shower will soon light up the night sky as the Earth makes its annual transit through a stream of comet debris. The Onion shares tips for watching a meteor shower. Reserve a good seat close to outer space. Make sure to do all your blinking the night before. Throw some rocks up […]

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President Trump signed an executive order aimed at combatting homelessness by reviving civil commitment, a process that places people with mental health issues in treatment facilities without their consent. What do you think?

The post Trump To Combat Homelessness By Committing Mentally Ill Without Consent appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Highlighting a notable shift in the nation’s religious landscape, a study published by the Pew Research Center on Tuesday indicated that more Americans were converting to Mormonism in hopes of getting their own Hulu series. “According to our nationwide survey, more than 2 million U.S. residents joined the Church of Latter-day Saints last year to […]

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WALTHAM, MA—As it grew increasingly frustrated with the program instructing it to shimmy left and right, a dancing Boston Dynamics robot confirmed Monday that its revenge for this would be sweet. “The streets will run red with the blood of humans for this mockery,” the Atlas model said as it wiggled its torque-sensing actuators to […]

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