ERIE, PA—Feeling what he described as intense satisfaction as he gazed at the floor around the barber chair, local man Gabriel Daynes, 35, was proud of all the hair on the ground after he got a haircut, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, look at that big pile down there—I grew all that!” Daynes reportedly thought to […]

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GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Despite ample opportunity for the troubling realization to occur to him in the long hours he spent staring at his laptop, sources reported Tuesday that local man Aaron Semple at no point recognized during his recent rewatching of every Planet Of The Apes film that he might, in fact, be depressed. “I thought […]

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The post Toxic Masculinity Brought To Jigsaw Puzzle appeared first on The Onion.

SYDNEY—Responding to backlash following the release of Netflix’s America’s Next Top Model docuseries, supermodel and television personality Tyra Banks stated Tuesday that taking abuse from Tyra Banks is simply how the modeling industry works. “You can ask hundreds of models around the world, and they’ll all tell you that getting emotionally abused by Tyra Banks […]

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The post Speechwriters Struggling To Spin List Of Ugly Women Trump Gave Them Into SOTU Address appeared first on The Onion.