THE HEAVENS—Moments after spotting hordes of the minuscule creatures skittering across the face of the earth, the Lord, Our Holy Father, reportedly became disgusted Thursday and placed a giant overturned glass atop humanity.  Heavenly sources confirmed the Almighty cursed in surprise when He first spotted the massive swarm of human beings crawling through Creation, but […]

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SANTA FE, NM—Stressing that fans of the franchise were about to be richly rewarded for their patience, author George R.R. Martin announced Tuesday that he had finally finished writing his sequel to the 2000 film Erin Brockovich. “At long last, the wait is over—my script for Erin Brockovich 2: A Kiss Of Chromium is officially complete!” […]

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Lillian Canfield passed away at 89. She is survived by one son, three grandchildren, and a thriving maggot population.

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KENOSHA, WI—After lurking in a fulfillment center parking lot until employees had finished their 12-hour shift, Amazon founder and executive chairman Jeff Bezos reportedly mugged one of his company’s warehouse workers at gunpoint Friday. “Just take out your wallet real slow and drop it into my hands—no sudden movements!” said Bezos, his face obscured behind a […]

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