WASHINGTON—In an expression of outrage at the vice president for his perceived ineptitude and lack of principles, JD Vance was reportedly booed Monday by his own reflection in the mirror. “You suck, you morally bankrupt prick! Go fuck yourself!” said Vance’s mirror image, flipping off the vice president and claiming that he was a traitor to […]

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The engaged couple recently denounced the heteronormative institution of marriage after learning the average cost of a wedding is $33,000.

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WASHINGTON—In a gesture many critics have decried as yet another blatant bribe to secure favorable regulatory treatment, Frito-Lay CEO Steven Williams presented President Donald Trump this week with a 24-karat, solid gold Funyun. “The president has long voiced his desire to own a golden, crunchy onion, and we knew it would be our privilege to make that […]

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KENOSHA, WI—After lurking in a fulfillment center parking lot until employees had finished their 12-hour shift, Amazon founder and executive chairman Jeff Bezos reportedly mugged one of his company’s warehouse workers at gunpoint Friday. “Just take out your wallet real slow and drop it into my hands—no sudden movements!” said Bezos, his face obscured behind a […]

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SANTA FE, NM—Stressing that fans of the franchise were about to be richly rewarded for their patience, author George R.R. Martin announced Tuesday that he had finally finished writing his sequel to the 2000 film Erin Brockovich. “At long last, the wait is over—my script for Erin Brockovich 2: A Kiss Of Chromium is officially complete!” […]

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