WASHINGTON—Hoping his upcoming meeting in Anchorage with Russian President Vladimir Putin will bring a much-needed change of pace, an exhausted President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that a fun getaway with a murderous dictator is just what he’s been needing. “It’s been a pretty busy year, so it’ll be great to take a little summer […]

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LEAWOOD, KS—Staring at the email in bewilderment, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly received an invoice Thursday for girlfriend Taylor Swift’s appearance on his podcast this week. “Shit, she didn’t mention anything about this,” the 35-year-old New Heights co-host said as he scrutinized the PDF file sent from Swift’s personal email account, which in addition […]

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WASHINGTON—In an expression of outrage at the vice president for his perceived ineptitude and lack of principles, JD Vance was reportedly booed Monday by his own reflection in the mirror. “You suck, you morally bankrupt prick! Go fuck yourself!” said Vance’s mirror image, flipping off the vice president and claiming that he was a traitor to […]

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NEW YORK—Describing the city recently incorporated by SpaceX workers as ideal for those hoping to settle down and raise their employer’s children, U.S. News & World Report published a new ranking this week that names Starbase, TX as the best city in which to start a family with one’s boss. “Across all metrics, we found there […]

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